so ONE DAY AT A TIME is a blog i like to read
and she was reading a book and it asks you to answer a few questions to take down "bricks" you've built around yourself
and if you take down those bricks it will help you on your weight loss journey
she answered some on her blog and I'm going to try my best to answer the same questions
so here goes nothing
SHAME - I am ashamed of how much i let myself go and how quickly it happened and I'm ashamed that after losing 65 pounds i still look at myself and I'm not happy with my success
ANGER- I am angry that i let the unknown things in life give me such anxiety
I'm angry that some days i feel so Alone in this world but i know that i really not
FEAR- my biggest fear is that i wont be able to help my son overcome his obstacles in life due to autism
basically i feel like i wont know how to help him
even though everyone tells me i am already helping him so much through biomedical treatments and diet
I'm constantly afraid i am missing something or not doing something right for him
I'm basically afraid of not being a good enough mother and wife
UNFORGIVENESS- I havent' forgiven myself for the fact that i believe that my weight that i gained while i was pregnant (good old 70 pounds) hurt my son and gave him autism because of my bad decisions food wise
EXCESS RESPONSIBILTY- i am responsible for helping my son 24/7 . trying to lose weight and keep the weight off . i am responsible for working as hard as i can everyday
PRESSURE- i feel pressured about being the best mother i can be
to be good at my job and to lose this weight and keep it off
EXHAUSTION- i am exhausted because raising a child with autism can be mentally and physically exhausting some days
because i push myself too hard to lose the weight
because of my anxiety issues
STRESS- im am stressed by everything i just need to learn to relax more often
PRIDE- i am proud when i help my son learn
when i do a good job at work and make a child's day just a little bit better
when i lose weight
i am proud of my family and especially how hard my hubby works
SELFISHNESS- I feel selfish when i take time for myself but i know that i need to so i can be around to see my son grow up
JEALOUSY- I get jealous when i see people playing with their children and they dont have to watch them like a hawk because they know that their children arent goign to just take off at any given moment
they seem so relaxed while their children are playing
and im on the edge of my seat the whole time
i just want to be more relaxed and know he is goign to be ok
i also get jealous when i see thinner people playing with their kids because i feel they have more energy than i do and i want that energy and i wnat ot be healthy and happy and feel good as well
LAZINESS- i am lazy when i procrastinate when things really need to get done
i am lazy when i am having anxiety issues or get depressed and i dont feel like moving off the couch or doing anything
i just feel lazy when i am not moving around
INFERIORITY- I feel like i'll never be as good a parent as my parents are
i feel like ill never be the next biggest loser like i want to be ( hence my blog title)
EMBARRASMENT- i feel embarrased by my weight and especially the older pictures of me when my son was little and i was 265 pounds and i looked horrible and felt horrible
Your post made me cry... It's very moving to read these 'feelings' and I'm sure you know you're being very hard on yourself... You're doing the most amazing job in very difficult circumstances.
ReplyDeleteSuch honesty as well. I think it felt good to really dig down deep and answer those questions. I hope you felt the same. I can't seem to break them down so easily though. I'm sure once I dig deeper into the book, it will help identify ways to let all of this go and forgive and forget and learn from the past. Of course you could read my answers and tell me that certain answers or opinions that I have of myself are just not true just as much as I could tell you that your answers above are just not true. But that is why each person has to deal with their own "Bricks". The fact that your "bricks" contain all of these fears/insecurites/shame/anger/
ReplyDeleteetc about your child just shows how wonderful of a mother you truly are. If you weren't, you wouldn't carry such huge burdens.