around 186

so i am such an idiot or so i feel like one right now
last night i went shopping with my mother for a new pair of black pants because mine were all very baggy
i needed them for a bridal shower we are going to this weekend
anyways
we went to the mall and spent sooooooooooo long trying to find a stupid pair of pants
it was depressing actually because i thought for sure i was a size 16 because all my 18s are too big
and i guess i am because i ended up getting 16s its just that not all of them fit
it was weird
most of them were too tight and the 18 were still too big
can somone seriously be in between sizes that much
well all i can say is i am a size 16 and i should have been happy but the whole ordeal was depressing to me instead of oh yea im a 16  feeling
i had the why didnt those first 10 pants  fit feeling

so i ended up coming home and eating too much not bad things but just too much of the good things and too late at night

so needless to say i am mad at myself right now

ill get over it

im just hoping i dont gain too much and that i am able to still fit in  the size 16 for this weekend

if not i know ill be crying more than i was yesterday

i just have no idea why i did this to myself

ill tell ya my hubby thought i was crazy

he said you were a size 28-26 at one point and never really cared and you get into a size 16 and you come home crying

and hes right it doesnt make sense
so i need to think about this and   take it a day at a time

i am doing this to have another baby not be thin so why is it that i am crying about how i look right now

the only thing i can think of is that i feel like i work too hard to look like this still
or maybe i can see the end point at this middle point and i know how hard its going to be
or maybe its that i started this a year ago and maybe thought i would have been at the weight that i would want to be able  to have another baby by now

everything i am listing is depressing me
right now

i think my clock is ticking or something and i know its still goin to be awhile away if i am lucky enough to even have another baby  and i am sad about that

im going to stop blogging for now because i can feel the tears coming

maybe ill blog again if i feel better after my workout

i dont want to be too depressing today

sorrry people